This is your Bride on drugs. Any questions?

The bridal panopticon has spread, enveloping even us grooms, who are traditionally less involved in such things. In my Inbox today was a piece of spam from the Wedding Channel. This, I believe, is the fruit of our gift registry at Macy's.

Among other things, this bit of groomspam directed me to a list of the top 10 wedding don'ts. If you're not registered, this link may not work for you. Some of the highlights are quite telling.

5. DON’T tune out.
Some brides are so overwhelmed by wedding anxiety that they turn to over-the-counter sedatives, prescription tranquilizers, or alcohol to calm nerves on the big day. And then they have to wait and watch the wedding video in order to find out what happened. Resist the temptation to medicate yourself through the nerve-wracking final hours. You’ll want to remember this day.

Did you hear that one, Laura? Here's another one.

7. DON’T forget to eat.
Famished, fainting brides and grooms are a bigger problem than you might imagine. Considering skipping breakfast so you can look svelte in your wedding attire? Don’t. It may be your last meal of the day, and you’ll need the energy. If jitters have your stomach in a knot, try to eat a few saltines. As the minutes tick down to showtime, you probably won't have a chance to grab a bite to eat. Many couples are so busy visiting with guests at the reception that they barely get a bite of their own reception menu. Not eating can make you cranky at the least; and cause you to faint at the worst. In a recent survey, 36% of all honeymooners said the first thing they did when they got to their suite after the wedding was… order room service. Eat a meal before the wedding, and try to eat at the reception too.

Now we know there's not a cranky bone in Laura's body, but that's not the point. What does it say about a soceity when a piece of chatty "news-you-can-use" that aspires to innocuousness reveals such a twisted reality? The next time you hear somebody saying feminism is dead, that it has nothing to tell this generation of women, throw this one in their face.

Or if you're feeling demure, maybe just collapse onto the nearest fainting couch, a handy device made by our ancestors who had the foresight to anticipate such eventualities. The finer honeymoon suites, places with histories, retain these relics of a more civilized age.